a few short days ago, I was in the hospital checked in under suicide watch. I checked myself in knowing I needed help. I was terrified at the repercussions of this decision, but I knew what the alternative outcome would’ve been. I refused to give up, and I persevered until I got the help I needed.
I was fortunate enough to be, almost immediately, surrounded by my friends and family when they heard the news. I truly do not know what I would do without the people in my daily life. They continue to make me smile – day in and day out. I sometimes worry that my presence on this earth is more of a burden than a blessing to them. Often times when these dark thoughts tend to creep into my mind I am able to successfully block them out and tell them to simply shut up. Although, sometimes it proves more difficult than a little back to back arguing amongst my brain.
I found myself lying in the hospital bed in the emergency room awaiting what the doctor and nurses decided was best. I was given a few solemn minutes to think. I felt a sense of relief for I knew I had just saved my own life. I imagine the rush of pushing someone out-of-the-way of an incoming bus to be very great. I imagine that saving that person’s life would be accompanied by several emotions. While I am unable to know for sure, I feel as if I experienced a minor portion of this immediate rush of emotions.
I knew that if I weren’t to have gone to the hospital that moment, then that would be my end. I knew that if I decided to go anywhere other than the hospital, then that would be the last place I would go. What a terrifying thought. Some may think that there was not much of an option for me, and that the only logical and reasonable thing to do would be to go to the hospital. I recall deciding what my next action would be and it was no simple choice. I was not sure if I wanted help, I was scared that if I sought help how/and if, I would receive it. Imagining turning for help and not being satisfied with the gestures given to me seemed more miserable and isolating than the initial thought itself.
Luckily, I was satisfied with my experience, and I am grateful because I have my life to show for it.
I entered the ER and I was lucky it was not crowded and I was able to immediately go into the check in area. They took my vitals and asked me some standard questions. I then was taken to a room where they had me change and put all my belongings in a bag. I felt embarrassed and I am not sure why. I found myself trying to make awkward jokes with the nurses in the room, because they were not able to leave me in the room by myself.
I had no reason to be embarrassed – no reason at all.
I am not the first person who was in this situation, and I am positive I will not be the last.
I sat in the room and was told to wait there, for soon a doctor would see me and would ask me some questions. I just waited and watched. They left the doors to my room open and I just sat. I watched the doctors and nurses pass by and just living their lives.
My best friends soon rushed in they were filled with confusion and worry, and I could tell. They didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to say. Their presence meant more to me than they will ever know. As soon as they found out what was happening and where I was at. They dropped everything. Everything. Cleared their days – for me. That was a cool feeling.
We talked about normal things not necessarily avoiding the elephant in the room, but definitely not confronting it. Eventually, one of them asked what did the doctor’s say. I told them I had yet to meet with one, but should be soon. I swelled up with tears and every word I was able to utter out seemed to take everything I had. I wanted to say so much to them, I wanted to thank them, I wanted them to know how much I loved them, I wanted them to know how much I needed them in that moment. But I couldn’t speak… yet, I know they knew.
That’s the thing about best friends, they are irreplaceable and their understanding has no end. I needed them that day and there they were. I hope someday I can repay them.
I must also mention my mom. She was the first to know about how my day took a turn for the worst. I called her, unable to speak. Unable to verbalize much more than a few, “I am not okay,”‘s. She was saying so many things trying to calm me down. She was saying all the right things – at least I think… I did not hear much other than the words, “I am on my way.” Again, someone who loves me dearly enough to throw their plans, to do’s, and commitments aside to just be present for me. I am lucky. My mom is… she is just everything. She dropped everything and was in-route within 3 minutes. Now just 2 hours away from me. Those 2 hours seemed to be years in my head when I was alone in that ER, but what helped me through that painfully slow creeping time was the thought that every second she was getting closer to me. Every second that passed, I was that much closer to hugging her. Every second.
My world. Brad – the one who is consistently put in the position of my therapist, my conscious, my psychiatrist, and my punching bag. Above all else, he is my rock. He is the sun breaking through the clouds on a grey day. I was talking to him all day prior to my visit at the ER, but that day was different. While I know he wishes he could carry me over every puddle I may face in life, there are simply some days that I have to go through it on my own. Talking to my mom, my boyfriend, and my best friends all weren’t enough that day. Even though I wish they were. That day was a day I had to experience. That day had to happen. That day had to happen to me, and me alone.
I am grateful for the strength God gave me that day to not make an irreversible decision. I am grateful that I was able to swallow my pride and do the thing that I feared most in the world. While I have struggled with my depression for several years now, going to the ER that day made it real. It was not just about me anymore. I saw how much hurt I would be placing on my loved ones.
“I will never forget
the fearful looks that were
on my loved ones faces.”
I will never forget the fearful looks that were stuck on my loved ones faces, and I don’t wish too. While they all attempted to break their worried looks with a small smile here or there, you could see in their eyes the fear. The worry. The hurt. Everything I was feeling..
I am grateful for that day – now and forever.